Have come to the realization that recently the amount of study being completed pales in comparison to the previous semester. While my frequency of travel and contact with native speakers has increased, this semester does not seem to see me pushing as hard academically. However, this must not be viewed as a failure to try, but considered in it's totality as a period that has facilitated personal growth.
There have been dark days filled with that sense of escapism that plagued me throughout my highschool years and marred my personal development in the past, however my struggle to overcome these and my triumph of life and living though it is, for me, a momentous achievement which carries more weight than any other. The construction of self effects the very pathways and mannerisms through which my being accesses and perceives the world.Thus this time has been valuable and there is no regret on my part regarding the use of this time.
Not to say that there has been no study, as all of my homework has been neatly completely and many a quiet comment given regarding my improvement this year, which in refection is a certain reality given my circumstances. Merely that any extra study beyond that which is necessary to complete the course, has been opted out of. However as it is never too late to begin something new, from now the intention to engage in these extra tasks shall be acted upon.
It is only in the past few days that life has been feeling like it should. No longer suspended in a thick trance-like haze as if running mid air from some vicious monster whose shape remarkably resembles my own, instead feet touch the cool rain-soaked grass and the contrast of the rich red Autumn leaves and strikingly brilliant blue sky fill me with wonder again. I'm alive.
Hoping now that these darker days of Summer will close as a book for the shelf, or more so the pile of wisdom that will allow me to climb higher and see the world more fully. Serve as lessons learnt and another stepping stone to bring me closer to my desired reality of having higher self esteem while continuing to live my dreams.
Food is still a challenge, though the road is long and this insight of the past few months may prove to be advantageous given my chosen profession of psychologist. Each evening brings a healthy home-cooked meal of delicious vegetables, the ability to cook another achievement unlocked since my exchange began. Had 7 Norwegian cookies with hot chocolate thisevening, dipping them each in until the sprinkled sugar on top dissolved and the dough softened. Don't worry about me.
Though many of you have been oblivious to this recent struggle, you have been in my heart and at the back of my mind the whole time. To know that each of you is known to, and cares for my existence is of great comfort. That love from my friends and family permeates my being and is reflected in my person so strongly that it is ever-present as is the gratitude for it's gift.
To clear days and starlit nights, even when the rain falls softly.
To changing leaves, the new sewn seeds, new chapters in my story.
To the voice inside behind the doubt that whispers through the haze,
To never give up, my darling love, for that is your greatest glory.
No comments:
Post a Comment